Monday, 5 September 2011

Sign language

Having completed my summer travels I have made memories, taken photos, experienced new things, and best of all learnt some new travel games. In my opinion a travel game need not be limited to the time spend in transit reaching your destination, and they can range from the simple 'counting the steps as I climb them to take my mind off the pain' to a personal favourite...Sign Spotting.


Houston, TX, USA (2010)

Whether they be stating the obvious or missing the point...

Prague, Czech Republic (2007)
Humorous...


Edinburgh, Scotland (2010)
or unintentionally so... 


Fredericksburg, TX, USA (2010)

Unusual...

Salzburg, Austria (2009)
Or telling you how to avoid death...


Olympic National Park, WA, USA (2008)
Don't forget to fight back aggressively, pick up your children, and throw them.
Sign Spotting is a great way to keep annoying children occupied, and have something more interesting than yet another photo of yet another mountain when you get back home.

For more Sign Spotting fun, visit http://www.signspotting.com/

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Why does the kitchen smell of raccoon?

Despite being 20 years old, having the house to myself for the weekend is no less exciting than it was when I was 15. And despite the fact that I am too lazy to actually call my friends and get them round, having the house to myself is still a face-slapping, bed-jumping, stair-sledging good time.

I of course do all the ironing that my mother left me, but once those crazy antics are out of the way, then the real fun can begin. So here's a check list (nothing says fun like a check list) of the vital components for a weekend free of parental supervision, and friends, and a life.

1. Take away menus. Be it pizza, chinese, indian or a combination of the above, no weekend to yourself is complete without food that comes served in cardboard. The pizza boxes on Monday morning will also let the bin men know that this resident had a real crazy weekend. So that's your reputation on the line there too.

2. TV. With great take away comes great entertainment. Why eat by yourself when your friends from the lands of the small screen and the big screen can keep you company? Without chilli fried beef and Bruce Willis it's just not a Saturday night. Welcome to the party pal.

3. Revelling in the fact that now I'm 20 that constant feeling that I should probably start my homework before Monday, is nothing but a long distant memory.

4. Number 3 of course leaves plenty of time for YouTube.

5. YouTube tends to lead to the losing of all sense of time. Which leads to not realising that it's actually 3am. This of course would have been the whole point of a parent-free weekend when I was 15, but after one too many years of knocking back caffeine for too many days straight just to reach essay deadlines, I need my sleep. So this one is really a personal judgment call on sleep deprivation Vs number of brain cells left.

6. Doing things you can't do when your parents are at home. I may be 20, but my mum will still shout at me for jumping on the furniture. So cue sofa gymnastics and science experiments (mostly just setting fire to stuff if I'm honest).

7. Dancing round the house. Okay, I do this even when the house is full, but for some reason it's just more fun when you have an empty house as your stage. And as that audience in the mirror isn't going to mock you, you can also practise oscar speeches, etc.

8. You can also play single player games you probably haven't had the time for, what with all that ironing, such as Hot Lava, re-enacting your favourite movie scenes, and which is the highest step you can jump from.

9. Another game in which I regularly partake when home alone, is called 'scaring the bejesus out of myself'. That highly over active imagination from my childhood has certainly not been damaged by all those caffeine-fuelled sleepless nights, to the point where I did see a face at the window. I swear.

10. Of course if you are Macauley Culkin a visit from Joe Pesci is actually not paranoia. Which does however just lead to even more joyful shenanigans, and a nice taking at the box office. So there's a weekend well spent.

11. And finally, after all this tomfoolery, you get to play that final game of tidying up, getting dressed, and guiding that stray raccoon out of the kitchen before your parents get home.

Who needs to go clubbing on the weekends?

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Contestant #2: Dave

Contestant number 2 in my ongoing game of Supermarket Snoop I decided to name Dave. He looked like a Dave. And by that I mean that he looked like pretty much the most average kind of guy you can imagine: white, 5'11"-ish, dark hair, medium build, and no multicoloured cloaks or anything. Now just to set the scene, I was in Costco, so already the chances are that the shopping basket (read massive trolley) is going to have a some fairly unusual items in it. Even if you don't buy the full size sail boat that was set up in the middle of the store, a 100 pack of toilet roll or half a cow's worth of steaks can look a bit odd.

Dave was at the next till over so I had a fairly good view of his purchases; a massive tub of washing powder (which we were also buying), a 100 pack of cloths, and two huge bottles of bleach. The only possible conclusion... Dave has murdered someone. I've watched enough CSI to spot evidence of a clean up, washing powder to clean the blood off his clothes (but not in our case), cloths to wipe up the huge blood pool, and bleach to clean the floor, walls etc. It all fit.

However, I wasn't worried. CSI has also taught me that the body will inevitably turn up in an unusual and dramatic reveal. The good looking corpse will then provide a singular hair that will lead us to Dave. Once in his house, a spray bottle and a fancy light will reveal the huge blood pool that he thought he had cleaned up with all that bleach (clearly Dave doesn't watch CSI), and a ghostly version of the good looking corpse will re-enact how he killed her.

So no worries.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Contestant #1: Joyce

Having been relatively housebound for the last couple of months, venturing into the outside world is now a lot more interesting than it previously was. For example, last week I went food shopping and couldn't help but notice what everyone else was buying. This soon turned into a competition with myself to find the most interesting selection of items being purchased (it was a long queue and there wasn't a whole lot else to do).

Contestant number one I decided to call Joyce. She looked like a Joyce. She appeared to be in her late 60s, neatly dressed, with pristinely coiffed hair. She began to unload her shopping onto the conveyor belt one space in front of me, and it all looked relatively normal. As you would expect of many elderly people, Joyce was purchasing bran flakes, prunes and wholemeal bread. She also had a punnet of strawberries and a carton of cream, nothing unusual during Wimbledon. Just when I thought this game had failed before it had even begun, out came the vodka.

Good on you, Joyce.

Monday, 13 June 2011

In my day.

The week before last, while on a rather tiring journey, I was half dozing (don't worry, I wasn't driving) and half listening to the radio. The mention of a certain Mr Paul Simon caught my attention, and the news that he was turning 70 brought me out of my semi-unconscious state like a particularly brutal shot of espresso. 70! This shouldn't really surprise me; my mother is now two and a bit years off getting Senior discounts, some of my best friends are now living in different time zones, and we are only 4 years away from flying cars according to Dr. Emmett Brown. My generation is suddenly becoming the next generation of 'adults' *gulp*.

But therein lies the problem. It's not sudden. It happens so gradually, so quietly, that you don't even notice it happening. It's only when the radio tells you it's happened that you actually realise it. So to prevent any heart attacks, I suggest you sit down and take a deep breath as I give you a run down of some of the most shocking realisations of the year 2011.

1. Ferris Bueller took the day off a quarter of a century ago.

2. Audrey Hepburn ate her breakfast outside Tiffany's half a century ago.

3. Harry Potter was brought alive on the big screen ten years ago. (He should really have finished school in 2008. Slacker).

4. There are kids starting high school in September who were born after the millennium.

5. The Simpsons have been on TV for 21 years. Bart should be 31...

6. My friend played a recording of the sound that dial-up Internet used to make, to someone a few years younger than him. The response...'what's that weird noise?'

7. The first Toy Story film came out in 1995.

8. Friends finished 7 years ago. (Although you wouldn't know it with 2 re-runs a day).

9. I have X-Men 2 on VHS.

10. Sarah Michelle Gellar was 19 when the first episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was aired. Oh how I miss Sunnydale.

11. I also miss phones that had curly chords.

12. Alfred Hitchcock was born in the 19th Century. He would be 111.

13. Weezer released 'Buddy Holly' 16 years ago. Nirvana and Red Hot Chili Peppers respectively released 'Smells like Teen Spirit' and 'Under the Bridge' 20 years ago.

14. Dirty Harry is 81.

15. I know how to read a map.

16. I remember storing all my friends' phone numbers in my head.

17. I have a PS1.

18. I remember having to announce to the house that I was going on the Internet, and did anyone want to use the phone before then.

19. Turns out mini-discs weren't the next big thing.

20. I haven't used my tape deck in 15 years.

So now that we all feel suitably old, remember...there is no need to be sad. Soon we'll have teleports, holograph phones, and colonies on the moon. And to the people who are sat there thinking, 'big whoop, I saw Star Wars in the cinema, I remember man walking on the moon, yadda, yadda, yadda', that's very nice.

Sunday, 22 May 2011

This is the 20th century calling.

It happens just once a year. It unites people with a sense of excitement, brings laughter and celebration. I am of course talking about Eurovision. For those unfortunately unaware of this phenomenon of television, The Eurovision Song Contest (to give it its full name) is an annual competition between every country in Europe, to find the crème de la crème of musical entertainment. After each act has displayed their talent, people across the continent frantically phone in to vote for their favourite act, these public votes are then combined with a score given by a panel of judges from each country. Finally each country is represented by one charismatic individual whose job it is to award their given scores from one to twelve, the more points each country gets the higher it climbs up the leader board, until every country has announced their points, and a winner is announced. If you are European you are probably familiar with the above procedure, if you are British you probably had the common sense to set a bowl of some description beneath your monitor to catch the sarcasm dripping pouring from my words.

For the rest of the world, yes, the above description was an accurate outline of the evening's proceedings, now just imagine each act is performed by mental patients, dressed in clothes made by blind four year olds from the 80s, attempting to sing a song that would be a crueler alternative to waterboarding, while surrounded by uncoordinated epileptic dancers. Yet, despite all of this, you watch the entire thing, and thoroughly enjoy it.

However, in years gone by, the contest has given the world such acts as Lulu, Celine Dion, and most notably, those heroes of Eurovision, ABBA. Even the entertainment provided by the host country has occasionally managed to make a name for itself, with Riverdance stealing the show when the competition came to Ireland. And indeed hosting the contest is itself an act. Each year it is broadcast live from the home country of the previous year's winner, where a venue is decorated and filled with spectators, pyrotechnics are organised, and the hosts must keep smiling all evening. Even scaled down versions are held in people's houses, where 'Eurovision parties' give us all an excuse to dress up in berets and lederhosen (you know you want to).

But Eurovision is so much more than just a search for musical talent. It is politics. Norway will vote for Denmark, Ukraine will vote for Belarus, Latvia will vote for Lithuania, and so on. This is serious business. Should World War 3 break out, sides will not be drawn as a result of current events or past alliances, but due to the results of the Eurovision Song Contest. So give your 12 points wisely, Europe.

Sunday, 1 May 2011

The king the queen and I

After weeks of anticipation, the Royal Wedding is over. The bunting is being taken down, plates washed up, and that post-Christmas feeling is settling in. When I'm old, frail and can't remember my own name, I won't remember the time I spent watching TV, the internet sites I visited, or phone calls with my friends, but hopefully I'll remember the history I lived through, the memories shared by millions, so I can say 'I remember where I was'. Sadly the human brain seems to have a filter that saves the saddest events, so here's a peek into that day for my withering old self, I better make a note of my Blogger password...

After an 8am start I grabbed some breakfast and sat in front of a TV that my mother had fired up hours ago. With the smell of food creeping out of the kitchen, and the sight of a small group of people dressed in their finery entering Westminster Abbey, this historical event was finally underway. The reassuring voice of Huw Edwards announced their arrival, naming various friends and family. Other reporters were out on the Mall meeting those members of the public who had camped out to secure a good view of the couple, tired but excited, their faces reflecting the mood of the nation. Politicians and officials smiled at the camera, proclaiming their best wishes, such joy only added to the surreal sense of the whole thing. Footage of previous royal ceremonies offered a glimpse into the history of the day, and the nationwide street parties harked back to a time gone by.

Views of Buckingham Palace and Clarence House showed little activity yet, offering me a perfect window in which to get myself ready for the day. My mother and her friend also took it upon themselves to use this time to transport the food and such round to a neighbours house, which would be our HQ for the day. So as to avoid the inevitable talking that would drown out any television commentary the BBC was offering, I chose to watch the majority of the build-up and service at home. A choice which I have since learned was a wise one, as the gathered 50-something year old women unable to contain their excitement apparently lived up to my expectations. With my cynical father cleaning the roof, I had the TV to myself.

The arrival of foreign dignitaries and royal families brought with it a feeling that things were really starting to happen, upping the pomp by a palpable amount. A series of almost comical minibuses announced the arrival of our own royal family, and Westminster was almost full. Finally a sighting of two figures resembling toy soldiers signalled the start of what would be a proud day for the monarchy and Britain. As the future King and his best man made their way up the aisle I was reminded of my secondary school history lessons. While they may be seen as Wills and Harry now, future generation will talk about them as we do previous monarchs, suddenly the significance of the day was evident against that most historic of backdrops. Yet amidst the grandeur was a man on his wedding day. And as this man's grandparents set off to see their grandson be wed, their exit announced to the gathered crowds by a short fanfare, they passed by statues of his other ancestors. This was a family event. A family event shared by billions.

With only the most anticipated of guests now absent, the excitement was at a high, as the nation held its breath to see the most discussed and speculated about piece of clothing. Then the cameras switched from the abbey, to a shot of a car and awning, a flash of white just visible. While craning my neck every which way wouldn't make any difference with a televisions screen, I couldn't help it. This was it. My personal loathing of bridal fashion over the last few years, had left me with just one thought. Please have sleeves. As the bride was helped into the car and her train arranged on the seat (another clue) the world was given its first view of the dress. It had sleeves! Beautiful lace sleeves. Good girl.

The crowds who had being cheering at every car and squirrel were given their first money shot of the day, and reassurance for those who had been roadside for days. The steady drive from the Goring Hotel offered little more information on the dress despite the large windows, but her relaxed smile was enough for now. As the car slowed to a perfectly lined up halt and the door opened, I feared for the sound men. For those who had declared their territory around Westminster, this was their moment. Stepping out of the car, Miss Middleton looked like a princess. Poised and elegant, serene yet assured, regal was the word. The crowning glory of her consistently impeccable style. The 1950s silhouette with its perfectly cut pleats, and the 2 metre 70 cm train exquisitely decorated with embroidery done by the Royal School of Needlework, complemented the top half and completed the vision, . Thankfully having ignored the fashionistas pleas for something 'modern' we were presented with a classic design, that unlike fashion will not age. I'm sure my elderly self agrees. 

The noise from outside having announced her arrival, Westminster prepared for yet another chapter in the history books. As the 1900 guests laid eyes on the bride, only one person was yet to see her. A quick glance from Harry accompanied by a grin and a whisper in his brother's direction, left me wishing I could read lips. Finally as she reached the alter, and joined her soon-to-be husband by his side, William saw her for the first time. My wish had been granted, 'You look beautiful' he mouthed. The Archbishop of Canterbury took the stage, and so it began.

When the Kate finally said 'I will', proclaiming her entry into that most famous of families, the roar from outside could be heard in the abbey. It was official. Overjoyed, those both inside and outside of the service belted out a rendition of Jerusalem, that most patriotic of songs. Thankfully 'England's green and pleasant land' had held off on the rain, and so as the newlyweds took their first steps outside as man and wife, they were greeted by the open top carriage, the perfect vehicle for such a fairytale. Winding through the streets of London, flanked by the Household Cavalry, the couple's happiness was clear as they smiled and waved to the cheering masses. As they disappeared into Buckingham Palace, they reporters set about dissecting the morning's events while the crowd surged forward down the Mall. Spotting yet another gap in the broadcast, I dashed round to my neighbour's house where the champagne and bacon butties had been flowing for hours, just in time to witness the kiss(es). The Duchess' reaction of, 'oh wow', as she stepped out onto the balcony to the assembled Union Jacks below, was a reminder that here was a girl raised like every other, now stood shoulder to shoulder with the Queen on her wedding day. And she didn't even have to kiss a frog to get there. The Battle of Britain Memorial Flight, led by the impressive Lancaster bomber, soared over the palace signalling the final salute to the couple. The Royal family and the Middletons headed back through the doors, with the Duchess taking one final look over her shoulder at a sight that she will surely never forget.

With the Royals retreating into privacy, we ventured outside with trays and plates to begin our celebration. The red, white and blue bunting strewn over the front of the house gave away our not-so-secret location, and the addition of tables, chairs and a barbeque on the front lawn only highlighted us to the passing motorists, all of whom were having a good nosey. From miniature flags in the fairycakes, to a white chocolate dessert bedecked with raspberries and blueberries, and even a small bride and groom topping the main cake, there could be no doubt what we were celebrating. With the tables threatening to collapse under the weight of the food, we toasted William and Kate and began to demolish the assorted sausages and trifles.

With our stomachs suitably red, white and blue, we reclaimed our seats in front of the TV for the action replays and analysis. We recited the various facts we had heard all morning; who had designed what, how many horses there were, what Boris Johnson was giving them as a present (a tandem bike - I love that man), and judged the outfits. Suddenly an announcement from one of the commentators told us that the couple were about to leave the palace in their mystery machine vehicle. The cameras found the Aston Martin driven by the Duke himself, his bride sat next to him, still in her dress. A learner plate, balloons and ribbons covered the car, and the registration plate read 'Just Wed', decorations which we felt were probably the work of one Prince Harry. Escorted overhead by a search and rescue helicopter flown by William's RAF colleagues, which seemed to be a welcome surprise even to the royal couple, they made their way to Clarence House. As they disappeared from view behind the gates, the television announced that this would be the end of their broadcast, and so we set about clearing up our abandoned plates, and bringing in the chairs.

A few days later and my sugar high is starting to wear off, but the nation is still basking in the joy on a sunny May Day Bank Holiday. Leftovers are being eaten up, and speculation about the unknown honeymoon destination is still running riot. But for now William will be returning to work like the rest of the country, with everyone feeling maybe just that little bit happier. If nothing else, this occasion proved that a common happiness can still bring people together as much as a common tragedy, a reassuring thought in these times.