Why does the kitchen smell of raccoon?

Despite being 20 years old, having the house to myself for the weekend is no less exciting than it was when I was 15. And despite the fact that I am too lazy to actually call my friends and get them round, having the house to myself is still a face-slapping, bed-jumping, stair-sledging good time.

I of course do all the ironing that my mother left me, but once those crazy antics are out of the way, then the real fun can begin. So here's a check list (nothing says fun like a check list) of the vital components for a weekend free of parental supervision, and friends, and a life.

1. Take away menus. Be it pizza, chinese, indian or a combination of the above, no weekend to yourself is complete without food that comes served in cardboard. The pizza boxes on Monday morning will also let the bin men know that this resident had a real crazy weekend. So that's your reputation on the line there too.

2. TV. With great take away comes great entertainment. Why eat by yourself when your friends from the lands of the small screen and the big screen can keep you company? Without chilli fried beef and Bruce Willis it's just not a Saturday night. Welcome to the party pal.

3. Revelling in the fact that now I'm 20 that constant feeling that I should probably start my homework before Monday, is nothing but a long distant memory.

4. Number 3 of course leaves plenty of time for YouTube.

5. YouTube tends to lead to the losing of all sense of time. Which leads to not realising that it's actually 3am. This of course would have been the whole point of a parent-free weekend when I was 15, but after one too many years of knocking back caffeine for too many days straight just to reach essay deadlines, I need my sleep. So this one is really a personal judgment call on sleep deprivation Vs number of brain cells left.

6. Doing things you can't do when your parents are at home. I may be 20, but my mum will still shout at me for jumping on the furniture. So cue sofa gymnastics and science experiments (mostly just setting fire to stuff if I'm honest).

7. Dancing round the house. Okay, I do this even when the house is full, but for some reason it's just more fun when you have an empty house as your stage. And as that audience in the mirror isn't going to mock you, you can also practise oscar speeches, etc.

8. You can also play single player games you probably haven't had the time for, what with all that ironing, such as Hot Lava, re-enacting your favourite movie scenes, and which is the highest step you can jump from.

9. Another game in which I regularly partake when home alone, is called 'scaring the bejesus out of myself'. That highly over active imagination from my childhood has certainly not been damaged by all those caffeine-fuelled sleepless nights, to the point where I did see a face at the window. I swear.

10. Of course if you are Macauley Culkin a visit from Joe Pesci is actually not paranoia. Which does however just lead to even more joyful shenanigans, and a nice taking at the box office. So there's a weekend well spent.

11. And finally, after all this tomfoolery, you get to play that final game of tidying up, getting dressed, and guiding that stray raccoon out of the kitchen before your parents get home.

Who needs to go clubbing on the weekends?

This is the 20th century calling.

It happens just once a year. It unites people with a sense of excitement, brings laughter and celebration. I am of course talking about Eurovision. For those unfortunately unaware of this phenomenon of television, The Eurovision Song Contest (to give it its full name) is an annual competition between every country in Europe, to find the crème de la crème of musical entertainment. After each act has displayed their talent, people across the continent frantically phone in to vote for their favourite act, these public votes are then combined with a score given by a panel of judges from each country. Finally each country is represented by one charismatic individual whose job it is to award their given scores from one to twelve, the more points each country gets the higher it climbs up the leader board, until every country has announced their points, and a winner is announced. If you are European you are probably familiar with the above procedure, if you are British you probably had the common sense to set a bowl of some description beneath your monitor to catch the sarcasm dripping pouring from my words.

For the rest of the world, yes, the above description was an accurate outline of the evening's proceedings, now just imagine each act is performed by mental patients, dressed in clothes made by blind four year olds from the 80s, attempting to sing a song that would be a crueler alternative to waterboarding, while surrounded by uncoordinated epileptic dancers. Yet, despite all of this, you watch the entire thing, and thoroughly enjoy it.

However, in years gone by, the contest has given the world such acts as Lulu, Celine Dion, and most notably, those heroes of Eurovision, ABBA. Even the entertainment provided by the host country has occasionally managed to make a name for itself, with Riverdance stealing the show when the competition came to Ireland. And indeed hosting the contest is itself an act. Each year it is broadcast live from the home country of the previous year's winner, where a venue is decorated and filled with spectators, pyrotechnics are organised, and the hosts must keep smiling all evening. Even scaled down versions are held in people's houses, where 'Eurovision parties' give us all an excuse to dress up in berets and lederhosen (you know you want to).

But Eurovision is so much more than just a search for musical talent. It is politics. Norway will vote for Denmark, Ukraine will vote for Belarus, Latvia will vote for Lithuania, and so on. This is serious business. Should World War 3 break out, sides will not be drawn as a result of current events or past alliances, but due to the results of the Eurovision Song Contest. So give your 12 points wisely, Europe.

For just £200, you too can pretend to have a good time.

With the first Facebook posts regarding festivals starting to crop up, it's that time of year again. No doubt tents will soon be being purchased, wellies packed, and showers missed. Teenagers and students up and down the country will be trying to figure out how much beer you can fit in a rucksack, and counting down the days til they can act like complete tools. And while the festival websites do make them look like bohemian, sun-bathed havens. They are in fact usually the opposite. Beware the lies of the festival websites.

Lie #1: You will get to lie in the grass, with a drink in hand, while the strains of an acoustic guitar waft in on the warm flower-scented breeze. 
FACT: There is no grass at a festival after the first 5 minutes. There will be no space to lie down. If you do manage to find a square foot of mud in which to plonk your arse, some drunkard will inevitably fall over you straight away. 
Top tip: Take a square of turf with you.

Lie #2: Sunshine.
FACT: There is no sunshine at a festival.
Top tip: Be albino.

Lie #3: Despite the sun, everyone is wearing wellies (because after you have taken this photo is will rain), but these happy revellers will still have the time of their lives in their cold cold wellies.
FACT: Despite wearing wellies you can still get wet feet. Rain + gravity = rain raining into your wellies.
Top tip: Become a hobbit.

Lie #4: You too can be stalker length away from your favourite band.
FACT: Unless you want to stand in the pit for 8 hours while being crushed by large smelly boys, Elvis himself could be on that stage and you wouldn't know, because he'll still just look like a tiny blurred dot.
Top tip: Take a photo of Pete Doherty with you.

Lie #5: There will be working porta-loos!
FACT: They will only be usable slightly longer that the grass, then they too will just become large mud pits.
Top tip: Don't take your bladder with you.

Lie #6: Everyone is happy and friendly, united by their love of music.
FACT: People will drink, people will get drunk, people will invade your private space, throw drinks on you, scream in your ear, and try to get a little too friendly.
Top tip: Avoid eye contact. 

Lie #7: Everyone looks like a model. So you should wear your latest pristine summer trend. Afterall, this is a festival, this is where all the cool kids hang. 
FACT: Mud wrestling; not always optional. 
Top tip: Remember, you're not Kate Moss. Stop kidding yourself.

Lie #8: Your hair will look, like, totally awesome. That boho chic, surfer thing you've got going on, will last the whole weekend.
FACT: You leave on the Thursday, You return on the Monday. You don't shower inbetween...
Top tip: Take a wig.

Lie #9: Everyone is dancing around having the time of their lives.
FACT: Unless you have a damn good head nod, you will not be dancing. You will be getting crushed. 
Top tip: Roll in dog poo. This should create a nice space around you, suitable for dancing, or building a hamlet.

Lie #10: You will sleep in a tent.
FACT: Okay, I slept in a tent, but that's probably because my friends and I were the only ones at the whole festival who set it up while sober. Every other tent was reduced to a pile of poles and canvas by the first night.
Top tip: Build an elaborate Swiss Family Robinson-style tree house. This can't be opened with a knife either!

Lie #11: There will be food for sale.
FACT: Okay, again, I was able to eat food, but that's because we were the only customers I saw at the nice Oxfam pizza place all weekend. Everyone else ate the £7 'burgers' because this didn't involve walking the extra 30 feet or so to the Oxfam tent.
Top tip: Take your plumpest friend. Inconspicuously season him/her on the journey there.

Lie #12: The campsite will have a friendly atmosphere, where you can sleep soundly and replenish your energy for the next day of dancing and merriment.
FACT: The campsite is a scary place. You will be robbed, stalked, and introduced to some rather unsavoury characters. And you will get no sleep, courtesy of music, air horns, and idiots with megaphones. You will freeze at night and boil in the morning. Try as you might to stay away from dips, hedges, toilets and the bit nearest the arena, you are doomed.
Top tip: Learn to apparate from the arena to your SOUNDPROOF tree house.

So, what have we learnt today?
Lie: Festivals will be the highlight of your youth.
FACT: They won't
Top tip: Don't go.

Feel free to call me a miserable cynic, but when I'm sat at home, on a comfy sofa, in my PJs, with free food, a roof, a warm bed and a way better view of your favourite band thanks to my TV, I may still be a cynic, but a happy one at that. And £200 richer than you.

‘Yes, I was really upset when they stopped drawing the deer’ – Chandler Bing

My previous post got me thinking, just how many times has Walt Disney killed off someone's parents? So here is my fun list of cartooniside.

1. Let's start with the obvious...Bambi's mother. Widely believed to be the ultimate in Disney deaths and responsible for sobbing children the world over.

2. Mufasa. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe he was the first Disney character to die onscreen. Yet it is Simba's discovery of the body and futile pleads for his father to wake up, that make it so overwhelming .

3. Snow White's mother I presume. Hence the evil step mother.

4. Penny from The Rescuers. The song ‘Someone’s waiting for you’ is actually incredibly sad. Again, see previous post.

5. Oliver and Company. An animated version of possibly the most famous story ever written about an orphan. Featuring a dog in the title role.

6. Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A film which sees his mother, cradling her infant son and begging for sanctuary, murdered on the church steps.

7. Aladdin. Well, according to lyrics heard in the film, ‘I'd blame parents except he hasn't got 'em’.


Now that I have covered death (if I have forgotten any I have probably blocked them out due the trauma of it all), I shall move on to less fatal yet similarly upsetting situations.

8. Toy Story sees the ideas of replacement and possibly one of the most terrifying thoughts to ever cross a young mind, being separated from your parents in a strange place. This stuck in my mind so firmly that I lived in fear of leaving my toys behind. They would have been so scared! And not only that, but the impact that this story has on people, will leave you with a sense of shame should you ever put your toys in the attic, or worse still, a yard sale. And quite rightly so. Shame on you.

9. Dumbo. Despite Bambi generally regarded as holding the title of saddest Disney moment, I've always found the scene in which Dumbo’s mother gently rocks him in her trunk, through the bars of her cage, the most heartbreaking Disney scene ever portrayed.

10. The Jungle Book’s Mowgli. As in Toy Story this again explores the theme of separation, however being extremely young when it happens, he retains no memory of his parents, and for this reason I find it a little less emotionally effective.  

11. The aristocats. Again, separated from their owner.

12. Despite the title, we only follow the story of Pongo and Perdita’s litter of 15 dalmatians being kidnapped. And the idea of skinning them to make a coat is actually more horrific now that I think about all these years later. I mean really, that’s just sickening, even if you do have the (I’ll admit, rather brilliant) name of Cruella De Vil.

13. Hercules. See number 10. But Hades was cool.  

14. Tarzan. See number 13. Minus Hades.

15. Monsters Inc.’s Boo. A close second to Toy Story in the separation stakes. And basing a kids film around the idea of monsters in the closet; relatable, suspenseful, genius.

16. Nemo. Okay, this may well be a contender for joint second with Monsters Inc. While the likes of Toy Story and Monsters Inc. see it from the missing person’s point of view, Finding Nemo is told almost more through the worried parent’s eyes. Very effective story telling.

17. The Incredibles sees their youngest son Jack-Jack kidnapped by their arch nemesis. However, this tiny super can set himself on fire. So it’s fairly safe to say Syndrome comes away worse for wear. Well, until he’s chewed up by an aeroplane engine a few seconds later.

18. Ratatouille’s Remy. Once again, separation. But he is soon rescued by a young waiter, so our lost rodent ends up about as happy as a rat in a restaurant.

19. UP, tells the story of the elderly Carl Fredricksen. The opening ten minute were said to have critics around the world bawling. While the nature of the events taking place in this opening sequence may possibly be lost on the younger members of the audience, there are also some scary dogs. A sometimes overlooked aspect of this story is the revelation that Mr Fredricksen’s boyhood hero isn’t the idol he imagined. Again, not exactly scary for the kiddies, but a rather universally felt theme.

20. Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Part of the three way contest for my favourite ever Disney film, along with The Lion King and Toy Story. Barrie’s timeless tale of childhood becomes more pertinent with every passing year. Again, not an obviously fearsome story, but one which I find myself dwelling on more and more, and which leaves me feeling increasingly melancholy as I grow older.

So, from brutal homicides to subtle sadness, there is no doubting that Walt Disney is the master of emotion.

It’s been emotional

Given that most of the developed world can now access gas simply by pressing a button or turning a dial, rather than getting out the trusty old flints, it isn’t really news that we have long since passed the point of merely surviving. We like to be entertained. No time is this more apparent than during the awards season. But I hadn’t really given it much thought until yesterday. Upon connecting to the internet I was greeted with my usual homepage; emails, weather, news headlines, and the list of the current top ten searches on Yahoo. News of President Obama’s forthcoming state visit to the UK: number ten. Coronation Street: number one.

So why is it that we are so much more interested in the on-screen world, than the real world? I’ll admit pondering such a question in cyber space is a tad ironic. But seeing as the highlight of my day was finding a pencil sharpener in my house that actually works, I have my excuse. Meanwhile, a recent viewing of Home Alone that reduced me to tears, may have answered my question. Music. Surely, were John Williams and an entire orchestra to follow me around, finding that pencil sharpener could have been something akin to finding Nemo. (Whoops, spoiler alert). It’s no wonder that the glorious Mr Williams is among the top three most nominated people in Oscar history. It is also no surprise that top of that list is Walt Disney himself. A man who, despite having a target audience with an average age of about seven, seems to relish in killing off parents and leaving poor defenceless youngsters to fend for themselves.

However, John Williams, apparently not content with merely making millions of movie goers sob like the afore mentioned seven year olds, decided to also score the music for several Olympic Games. While I’ll grant you that the Olympics are in fact real, they seem to be responsible for more edge-of-your-seat and heartstring-tugging moments than are necessarily good for your health. So emotional was Derek Redmond’s performance at the 1992 Barcelona Games that they later used it for a Visa advert featuring the voice of Morgan Freeman. Apparently, causing you viewers to suffer an emotional breakdown will prompt them into taking out a Visa card.

So, it would seem that the reason we are all so engrossed in the lives of fictional beings, is because we are all masochists. And the absence of a powerfully sweeping score from our mundane lives leaves us to seek out films and programmes carefully crafted to have us all popping Prozac. This will no doubt be confirmed at the approaching Academy Awards, where the last ten years have seen films about war, racism, poverty, and mental health, walk away with the Best Picture award. However, I can at least understand that no matter how depressing the subject matter, so long as there are some outstanding performances, a masterpiece of a script, and the essential music, these films are often more engaging and entertaining than the real world. But that still leaves me with just one unanswered question, why is Coronation Street the most searched topic on Yahoo?