Who's there?! (Part 2)

Just incase I haven't made you paranoid enough, here are a few more things that horror films could ruin for you.

11. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Texas, Chainsaws, and Massacres. Although the river walk in San Antonio is just lovely.

12. The Silence of the Lambs: Men who drink Chianti.

13. Invasion of the body snatchers (1956): Nobody believing you. And, you know, having your body snatched…by invaders…

14. Jurassic Park (purely for the kitchen scene): Those damn door-opening Veloceraptors. They may seem cute but be on your guard, they’re clever girls.

15. Deliverance: You’ll never be able to enjoy banjo music again.  

16. Wolf Creek: Those man-sized spiders aren’t the most dangerous thing in Australia.

17. The Wicker Man (personally the scariest film ever): Even before Trainspotting, this was the final nail in Scotland’s tourism industry.

18. Saw: Guys who give themselves names like ‘Jigsaw’.

19. The Orphanage: Seriously Spain, stop it!

20. The Shining: Jack Nicholson, barmen, twins, naked women, mazes, hotel rooms, and I can no longer enjoy a nice blood-filled lift. Darn.  

To be continued...

If I were working for the Texas Tourism Board, I would insist that they subliminally slip this inbetween a couple of the frames. Maybe the most chainsaw-y ones.
(San Antonio, TX. 2010)

Who's there?! (Part 1)

I love horror films. However, there is no denying that they have spoiled some things for me. I am now always apprehensive about looking in mirrors, and looking out of windows at night makes me a little cautious too. I can no longer go in cornfields, and quite frankly they have ruined Voodoo for me. Shucks.

So, if you want to be able to continue tucking in your masked demon offspring every night, then pay close attention. Here are the films that may put you off that trip to the Bermuda Triangle and make you paranoid about almost everything else.

1. Psycho: Let's start with the obvious. If you don't have access to a tub then I recommend you stear clear of this classic of the horror genre. Actress Janet Leigh herself reportedly never showered again after filming the famous bathroom sequence.

2. Snakes on a Plane: Not a horror film, but the title doesn't include 2 of the top 10 most common phobias for nothing. You'll definitely never use an aeroplane toilet after watching this.

3. The Birds: Again, the clue is in the title.

4. Halloween: Never offer to babysit.

5. Scream: Why caller ID was invented.

6. Marathon Man: Also not a horror film, but you'll never sit in another dentist's chair.

7. Battle Royale: You'll probably reassess a few of your friendships after this one.

8. The Ring: Beware the unmarked VHS. And if you ever get TV static, run.

9. [REC]: Stay out of the attic, stay out of Spain. 

10. Jaws: the Ocean, the sea, your garden pond, all ruined.

To be continued...

Contestant #2: Dave

Contestant number 2 in my ongoing game of Supermarket Snoop I decided to name Dave. He looked like a Dave. And by that I mean that he looked like pretty much the most average kind of guy you can imagine: white, 5'11"-ish, dark hair, medium build, and no multicoloured cloaks or anything. Now just to set the scene, I was in Costco, so already the chances are that the shopping basket (read massive trolley) is going to have a some fairly unusual items in it. Even if you don't buy the full size sail boat that was set up in the middle of the store, a 100 pack of toilet roll or half a cow's worth of steaks can look a bit odd.

Dave was at the next till over so I had a fairly good view of his purchases; a massive tub of washing powder (which we were also buying), a 100 pack of cloths, and two huge bottles of bleach. The only possible conclusion... Dave has murdered someone. I've watched enough CSI to spot evidence of a clean up, washing powder to clean the blood off his clothes (but not in our case), cloths to wipe up the huge blood pool, and bleach to clean the floor, walls etc. It all fit.

However, I wasn't worried. CSI has also taught me that the body will inevitably turn up in an unusual and dramatic reveal. The good looking corpse will then provide a singular hair that will lead us to Dave. Once in his house, a spray bottle and a fancy light will reveal the huge blood pool that he thought he had cleaned up with all that bleach (clearly Dave doesn't watch CSI), and a ghostly version of the good looking corpse will re-enact how he killed her.

So no worries.

‘Yes, I was really upset when they stopped drawing the deer’ – Chandler Bing

My previous post got me thinking, just how many times has Walt Disney killed off someone's parents? So here is my fun list of cartooniside.

1. Let's start with the obvious...Bambi's mother. Widely believed to be the ultimate in Disney deaths and responsible for sobbing children the world over.

2. Mufasa. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe he was the first Disney character to die onscreen. Yet it is Simba's discovery of the body and futile pleads for his father to wake up, that make it so overwhelming .

3. Snow White's mother I presume. Hence the evil step mother.

4. Penny from The Rescuers. The song ‘Someone’s waiting for you’ is actually incredibly sad. Again, see previous post.

5. Oliver and Company. An animated version of possibly the most famous story ever written about an orphan. Featuring a dog in the title role.

6. Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A film which sees his mother, cradling her infant son and begging for sanctuary, murdered on the church steps.

7. Aladdin. Well, according to lyrics heard in the film, ‘I'd blame parents except he hasn't got 'em’.


Now that I have covered death (if I have forgotten any I have probably blocked them out due the trauma of it all), I shall move on to less fatal yet similarly upsetting situations.

8. Toy Story sees the ideas of replacement and possibly one of the most terrifying thoughts to ever cross a young mind, being separated from your parents in a strange place. This stuck in my mind so firmly that I lived in fear of leaving my toys behind. They would have been so scared! And not only that, but the impact that this story has on people, will leave you with a sense of shame should you ever put your toys in the attic, or worse still, a yard sale. And quite rightly so. Shame on you.

9. Dumbo. Despite Bambi generally regarded as holding the title of saddest Disney moment, I've always found the scene in which Dumbo’s mother gently rocks him in her trunk, through the bars of her cage, the most heartbreaking Disney scene ever portrayed.

10. The Jungle Book’s Mowgli. As in Toy Story this again explores the theme of separation, however being extremely young when it happens, he retains no memory of his parents, and for this reason I find it a little less emotionally effective.  

11. The aristocats. Again, separated from their owner.

12. Despite the title, we only follow the story of Pongo and Perdita’s litter of 15 dalmatians being kidnapped. And the idea of skinning them to make a coat is actually more horrific now that I think about all these years later. I mean really, that’s just sickening, even if you do have the (I’ll admit, rather brilliant) name of Cruella De Vil.

13. Hercules. See number 10. But Hades was cool.  

14. Tarzan. See number 13. Minus Hades.

15. Monsters Inc.’s Boo. A close second to Toy Story in the separation stakes. And basing a kids film around the idea of monsters in the closet; relatable, suspenseful, genius.

16. Nemo. Okay, this may well be a contender for joint second with Monsters Inc. While the likes of Toy Story and Monsters Inc. see it from the missing person’s point of view, Finding Nemo is told almost more through the worried parent’s eyes. Very effective story telling.

17. The Incredibles sees their youngest son Jack-Jack kidnapped by their arch nemesis. However, this tiny super can set himself on fire. So it’s fairly safe to say Syndrome comes away worse for wear. Well, until he’s chewed up by an aeroplane engine a few seconds later.

18. Ratatouille’s Remy. Once again, separation. But he is soon rescued by a young waiter, so our lost rodent ends up about as happy as a rat in a restaurant.

19. UP, tells the story of the elderly Carl Fredricksen. The opening ten minute were said to have critics around the world bawling. While the nature of the events taking place in this opening sequence may possibly be lost on the younger members of the audience, there are also some scary dogs. A sometimes overlooked aspect of this story is the revelation that Mr Fredricksen’s boyhood hero isn’t the idol he imagined. Again, not exactly scary for the kiddies, but a rather universally felt theme.

20. Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Part of the three way contest for my favourite ever Disney film, along with The Lion King and Toy Story. Barrie’s timeless tale of childhood becomes more pertinent with every passing year. Again, not an obviously fearsome story, but one which I find myself dwelling on more and more, and which leaves me feeling increasingly melancholy as I grow older.

So, from brutal homicides to subtle sadness, there is no doubting that Walt Disney is the master of emotion.