Today's contestant I have named Bradley (he looked like a Bradley), and he was buying butter. Just butter. nothing else. No bread to go with his butter, no flour to make a cake with it. And it wasn't just a 'damn I'm out of butter, better nip out to the shops', this was four packs of butter. Just butter.
This lack of other purchases has left me rather stumped. What was the butter for? There were no clues, no hints, not even one of those free recipe cards that they give away at the supermarket. Never have I been so curious about fat? All I can tell you was that it was good butter. This cluelessness has led me to some rather wild speculation. Maybe he has a cat that had become stuck in the banisters, maybe he's part of a coffee morning and is responsible for the bagels (Bradley, you forgot the bagels), maybe he has developed an automobile that runs on butter, maybe he is allergic to everything but butter, maybe he is a butter sculptor, maybe he is planning some Home Alone -esque trap by buttering all his floors. who knows? But as Julia Child said, 'with enough butter, anything is good'. Except heart attacks...
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Contestant #3: Jeremy
Today's contestant I named Jeremy. He looked like a Jeremy. He was dressed in his finest garb, sported a haircut that would probably pay for my grocery shopping for the whole year, and to top it all off wore the smug expression of a man who knows exactly why everyone else in the queue finds him annoying to look at, and has gone out of his way to achieve this.
If he wants to look like a prick for his own personal satisfaction that's fine by me, each to his own. But the shameless display of carefully arranging his purchases along the conveyor belt in a manner that allowed, nay forced, everyone else in the line to observe them (and made me feel far less sneaky and spy-like) was another thing altogether. Yes, we can see your organic vegetables, your baguette, your fancy pasta, your truffle oil, your sun-dried tomatoes, your bruschetta, your pate, and your Gü desserts. Yes, I am slightly jealous, you have nice food. Again, I have no problem with that, but take that superior look off your face. And don't you dare give my fried chicken and Monster Munch the stink eye.
If he wants to look like a prick for his own personal satisfaction that's fine by me, each to his own. But the shameless display of carefully arranging his purchases along the conveyor belt in a manner that allowed, nay forced, everyone else in the line to observe them (and made me feel far less sneaky and spy-like) was another thing altogether. Yes, we can see your organic vegetables, your baguette, your fancy pasta, your truffle oil, your sun-dried tomatoes, your bruschetta, your pate, and your Gü desserts. Yes, I am slightly jealous, you have nice food. Again, I have no problem with that, but take that superior look off your face. And don't you dare give my fried chicken and Monster Munch the stink eye.
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
M. Night Shyamalan should really do a film about this...
I can't believe I forgot this one, although to be fair, it's more of a 'notice', and therefore wasn't stored in the sign compartment of my brain. I came across this sign last summer. I laughed, and then I felt a little bit guilty.
I hope your surgery went a planned.
Also from the same trip...
Hmmm.
And yes, I know they are most definitely signs. However, I think my brain was concentrating more on this at the time, hence why the internal filing system didn't quite work:
Happy Sign Spotting, folks.
 |
| Fredericksburg, TX, USA (2010) |
Also from the same trip...
 |
| Somewhere in Texas |
And yes, I know they are most definitely signs. However, I think my brain was concentrating more on this at the time, hence why the internal filing system didn't quite work:
Happy Sign Spotting, folks.
Monday, 5 September 2011
Sign language
Having completed my summer travels I have made memories, taken photos, experienced new things, and best of all learnt some new travel games. In my opinion a travel game need not be limited to the time spend in transit reaching your destination, and they can range from the simple 'counting the steps as I climb them to take my mind off the pain' to a personal favourite...Sign Spotting.
Whether they be stating the obvious or missing the point...
Humorous...
or unintentionally so...
Or telling you how to avoid death...
Sign Spotting is a great way to keep annoying children occupied, and have something more interesting than yet another photo of yet another mountain when you get back home.
For more Sign Spotting fun, visit http://www.signspotting.com/
 |
| Houston, TX, USA (2010) |
 |
| Prague, Czech Republic (2007) |
 |
| Edinburgh, Scotland (2010) |
 |
| Fredericksburg, TX, USA (2010) |
Unusual...
 |
| Salzburg, Austria (2009) |
 |
| Olympic National Park, WA, USA (2008) Don't forget to fight back aggressively, pick up your children, and throw them. |
For more Sign Spotting fun, visit http://www.signspotting.com/
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Why does the kitchen smell of raccoon?
Despite being 20 years old, having the house to myself for the weekend is no less exciting than it was when I was 15. And despite the fact that I am too lazy to actually call my friends and get them round, having the house to myself is still a face-slapping, bed-jumping, stair-sledging good time.
I of course do all the ironing that my mother left me, but once those crazy antics are out of the way, then the real fun can begin. So here's a check list (nothing says fun like a check list) of the vital components for a weekend free of parental supervision, and friends, and a life.
1. Take away menus. Be it pizza, chinese, indian or a combination of the above, no weekend to yourself is complete without food that comes served in cardboard. The pizza boxes on Monday morning will also let the bin men know that this resident had a real crazy weekend. So that's your reputation on the line there too.
2. TV. With great take away comes great entertainment. Why eat by yourself when your friends from the lands of the small screen and the big screen can keep you company? Without chilli fried beef and Bruce Willis it's just not a Saturday night. Welcome to the party pal.
3. Revelling in the fact that now I'm 20 that constant feeling that I should probably start my homework before Monday, is nothing but a long distant memory.
4. Number 3 of course leaves plenty of time for YouTube.
5. YouTube tends to lead to the losing of all sense of time. Which leads to not realising that it's actually 3am. This of course would have been the whole point of a parent-free weekend when I was 15, but after one too many years of knocking back caffeine for too many days straight just to reach essay deadlines, I need my sleep. So this one is really a personal judgment call on sleep deprivation Vs number of brain cells left.
6. Doing things you can't do when your parents are at home. I may be 20, but my mum will still shout at me for jumping on the furniture. So cue sofa gymnastics and science experiments (mostly just setting fire to stuff if I'm honest).
7. Dancing round the house. Okay, I do this even when the house is full, but for some reason it's just more fun when you have an empty house as your stage. And as that audience in the mirror isn't going to mock you, you can also practise oscar speeches, etc.
8. You can also play single player games you probably haven't had the time for, what with all that ironing, such as Hot Lava, re-enacting your favourite movie scenes, and which is the highest step you can jump from.
9. Another game in which I regularly partake when home alone, is called 'scaring the bejesus out of myself'. That highly over active imagination from my childhood has certainly not been damaged by all those caffeine-fuelled sleepless nights, to the point where I did see a face at the window. I swear.
10. Of course if you are Macauley Culkin a visit from Joe Pesci is actually not paranoia. Which does however just lead to even more joyful shenanigans, and a nice taking at the box office. So there's a weekend well spent.
11. And finally, after all this tomfoolery, you get to play that final game of tidying up, getting dressed, and guiding that stray raccoon out of the kitchen before your parents get home.
Who needs to go clubbing on the weekends?
I of course do all the ironing that my mother left me, but once those crazy antics are out of the way, then the real fun can begin. So here's a check list (nothing says fun like a check list) of the vital components for a weekend free of parental supervision, and friends, and a life.
1. Take away menus. Be it pizza, chinese, indian or a combination of the above, no weekend to yourself is complete without food that comes served in cardboard. The pizza boxes on Monday morning will also let the bin men know that this resident had a real crazy weekend. So that's your reputation on the line there too.
2. TV. With great take away comes great entertainment. Why eat by yourself when your friends from the lands of the small screen and the big screen can keep you company? Without chilli fried beef and Bruce Willis it's just not a Saturday night. Welcome to the party pal.
3. Revelling in the fact that now I'm 20 that constant feeling that I should probably start my homework before Monday, is nothing but a long distant memory.
4. Number 3 of course leaves plenty of time for YouTube.
5. YouTube tends to lead to the losing of all sense of time. Which leads to not realising that it's actually 3am. This of course would have been the whole point of a parent-free weekend when I was 15, but after one too many years of knocking back caffeine for too many days straight just to reach essay deadlines, I need my sleep. So this one is really a personal judgment call on sleep deprivation Vs number of brain cells left.
6. Doing things you can't do when your parents are at home. I may be 20, but my mum will still shout at me for jumping on the furniture. So cue sofa gymnastics and science experiments (mostly just setting fire to stuff if I'm honest).
7. Dancing round the house. Okay, I do this even when the house is full, but for some reason it's just more fun when you have an empty house as your stage. And as that audience in the mirror isn't going to mock you, you can also practise oscar speeches, etc.
8. You can also play single player games you probably haven't had the time for, what with all that ironing, such as Hot Lava, re-enacting your favourite movie scenes, and which is the highest step you can jump from.
9. Another game in which I regularly partake when home alone, is called 'scaring the bejesus out of myself'. That highly over active imagination from my childhood has certainly not been damaged by all those caffeine-fuelled sleepless nights, to the point where I did see a face at the window. I swear.
10. Of course if you are Macauley Culkin a visit from Joe Pesci is actually not paranoia. Which does however just lead to even more joyful shenanigans, and a nice taking at the box office. So there's a weekend well spent.
11. And finally, after all this tomfoolery, you get to play that final game of tidying up, getting dressed, and guiding that stray raccoon out of the kitchen before your parents get home.
Who needs to go clubbing on the weekends?
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Contestant #2: Dave
Contestant number 2 in my ongoing game of Supermarket Snoop I decided to name Dave. He looked like a Dave. And by that I mean that he looked like pretty much the most average kind of guy you can imagine: white, 5'11"-ish, dark hair, medium build, and no multicoloured cloaks or anything. Now just to set the scene, I was in Costco, so already the chances are that the shopping basket (read massive trolley) is going to have a some fairly unusual items in it. Even if you don't buy the full size sail boat that was set up in the middle of the store, a 100 pack of toilet roll or half a cow's worth of steaks can look a bit odd.
Dave was at the next till over so I had a fairly good view of his purchases; a massive tub of washing powder (which we were also buying), a 100 pack of cloths, and two huge bottles of bleach. The only possible conclusion... Dave has murdered someone. I've watched enough CSI to spot evidence of a clean up, washing powder to clean the blood off his clothes (but not in our case), cloths to wipe up the huge blood pool, and bleach to clean the floor, walls etc. It all fit.
However, I wasn't worried. CSI has also taught me that the body will inevitably turn up in an unusual and dramatic reveal. The good looking corpse will then provide a singular hair that will lead us to Dave. Once in his house, a spray bottle and a fancy light will reveal the huge blood pool that he thought he had cleaned up with all that bleach (clearly Dave doesn't watch CSI), and a ghostly version of the good looking corpse will re-enact how he killed her.
So no worries.
Dave was at the next till over so I had a fairly good view of his purchases; a massive tub of washing powder (which we were also buying), a 100 pack of cloths, and two huge bottles of bleach. The only possible conclusion... Dave has murdered someone. I've watched enough CSI to spot evidence of a clean up, washing powder to clean the blood off his clothes (but not in our case), cloths to wipe up the huge blood pool, and bleach to clean the floor, walls etc. It all fit.
However, I wasn't worried. CSI has also taught me that the body will inevitably turn up in an unusual and dramatic reveal. The good looking corpse will then provide a singular hair that will lead us to Dave. Once in his house, a spray bottle and a fancy light will reveal the huge blood pool that he thought he had cleaned up with all that bleach (clearly Dave doesn't watch CSI), and a ghostly version of the good looking corpse will re-enact how he killed her.
So no worries.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Contestant #1: Joyce
Having been relatively housebound for the last couple of months, venturing into the outside world is now a lot more interesting than it previously was. For example, last week I went food shopping and couldn't help but notice what everyone else was buying. This soon turned into a competition with myself to find the most interesting selection of items being purchased (it was a long queue and there wasn't a whole lot else to do).
Contestant number one I decided to call Joyce. She looked like a Joyce. She appeared to be in her late 60s, neatly dressed, with pristinely coiffed hair. She began to unload her shopping onto the conveyor belt one space in front of me, and it all looked relatively normal. As you would expect of many elderly people, Joyce was purchasing bran flakes, prunes and wholemeal bread. She also had a punnet of strawberries and a carton of cream, nothing unusual during Wimbledon. Just when I thought this game had failed before it had even begun, out came the vodka.
Good on you, Joyce.
Contestant number one I decided to call Joyce. She looked like a Joyce. She appeared to be in her late 60s, neatly dressed, with pristinely coiffed hair. She began to unload her shopping onto the conveyor belt one space in front of me, and it all looked relatively normal. As you would expect of many elderly people, Joyce was purchasing bran flakes, prunes and wholemeal bread. She also had a punnet of strawberries and a carton of cream, nothing unusual during Wimbledon. Just when I thought this game had failed before it had even begun, out came the vodka.
Good on you, Joyce.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)