Take one Kangaroo tail

Yes, this is a real instruction from a real recipe. A few days ago I was flicking through some old cook books and discovered 'Kangaroo Fritters'. Clearly written at the height of the British Empire and the Commonwealth, I imagine it would now be somewhat difficult to find such ingredients at the local supermarket. However, as is the nature of humans, we often take things too far. Having moved from such laborious meals, you can now find most food items in some variation of the 'instant' variety. While fans of organic, free-range, something-free, food are currently living in a (naturally coloured) golden age, the wealth of choice offered to today’s consumers allows the same shop to sell eggs with smiling chickens on the box and instant pancake mix (which probably doesn’t even contain eggs from sad chickens).

Don’t get me wrong, I consider microwave pizza one of mankind’s greatest achievements, I love Chinese take away, and believe that, in the UK at least, bread should be shop bought (bread machines are the Devil’s pungent work). But ham shaped like a bear, really? Food is so much more than fuel. While I will agree that smell is probably the most stimulatory of the senses when it comes to memories, taste isn’t far behind. Food is such an important part of our lives, my parents once vowed, were we ever to find ourselves in financial trouble, we would sacrifice almost everything, but good food.  

With my mother’s parents being one of six and seven children each, cooking for a large table has become a continued habit, despite there only being three of us two generations later. This has led to me being able to eat portions meant for an entire family, and as such I have always left restaurants and friend’s houses feeling like I’ve just been nibbling at the bread basket. No matter how often I am exposed to other people’s eating habits the thing that I still find most shocking is the lack of home cooked food. It with increasing frequency and increasing disappointment that I see people attending cake sales with shop bought cakes! This is nothing short of blasphemy in our house. A house where cook books have their own bookcase, and are read as bedtime reading, huge folders full of recipes and cuttings fight for space on the shelves, and the omission of a familiar seasoning from a much loved dish can be tasted straight away, and suitably condemned. While it is a joy to see people’s delight as they sample my mother’s desserts (they are her speciality), the look of surprise on their faces and their exclamations of amazement are almost sad. Home baking should not be such a rare treasure, except for Kangaroo Fritters perhaps.

I'd like to buy myself a Coke

I said that this would be a blog to house my day dreams, and all I can think about right now is Coca Cola. I am unable to drink my beloved Coke at the moment, and have discovered that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder. Coke and I have a long and happy history together, from hot summer days, to late night revision, and every Christmas dinner in between. As far as the hallucination-inducing effects of sleep deprivation during exam time go, Coke was pretty much the only thing that kept me standing. Despite my love of wandering into Whittard’s just to smell the aroma of coffee beans, I am not a fan of coffee where my taste buds are concerned. In fact, I am not a fan of any hot drink really; even tea, much to the disgust of the rest of England. If the weather calls for it I can be partial to the odd hot Ribena. But I find that in general hot drinks just make me more thirsty, where as I was under the impression that a drink is supposed to quench one’s thirst. Enter Coke. Caffeine booster, refresher, taste bud pleaser, and friend to all.

This life long love affair with Coca Cola has never faltered, and every time I gaze upon that classic, never bettered, glass bottle design, I am swept off my feet. And I still believe that Coke from the bottle is far superior to Coke from a can. The whole Americana of the product is enough to make me swoon, a look and style that has influenced pop culture and become part of a heritage beginning in 1886. Sweets have been dubbed ‘cola-flavoured’, many shops have tried unsuccessfully to imitate its unique taste, and its Christmas advert signifies the start of the festive season. Some people will even claim that it was due to Coke's advertising campaigns that Santa is now depicted wearing that signature red suit, a myth which Coca Cola themselves deny, yet year after year jolly old St. Nick is often still plastered across billboards with a bottle in hand. One of the most universal brands in the world, that famous red and white logo is instantly recognisable, and found everywhere from the Amazon rainforest to Zimbabwe.

If you still doubt my devotion to this drink, I must inform you that I have in fact visited the Coca Cola shop in Las Vegas. In the form of a giant bottle, this shop is like a monument to the brand, rising out of the desert. Yet before you start to worry about what seems like a slightly startling obsession with a beverage, this was not a pilgrimage, merely a pleasant surprise discovered whilst visiting the town. Although I did buy a T shirt and a fridge magnet... But really, who doesn’t love this carbonated delight? So please forgive me if you ever find me face down and nose covered in Coke, Tony Montana style.  

‘Yes, I was really upset when they stopped drawing the deer’ – Chandler Bing

My previous post got me thinking, just how many times has Walt Disney killed off someone's parents? So here is my fun list of cartooniside.

1. Let's start with the obvious...Bambi's mother. Widely believed to be the ultimate in Disney deaths and responsible for sobbing children the world over.

2. Mufasa. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe he was the first Disney character to die onscreen. Yet it is Simba's discovery of the body and futile pleads for his father to wake up, that make it so overwhelming .

3. Snow White's mother I presume. Hence the evil step mother.

4. Penny from The Rescuers. The song ‘Someone’s waiting for you’ is actually incredibly sad. Again, see previous post.

5. Oliver and Company. An animated version of possibly the most famous story ever written about an orphan. Featuring a dog in the title role.

6. Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. A film which sees his mother, cradling her infant son and begging for sanctuary, murdered on the church steps.

7. Aladdin. Well, according to lyrics heard in the film, ‘I'd blame parents except he hasn't got 'em’.


Now that I have covered death (if I have forgotten any I have probably blocked them out due the trauma of it all), I shall move on to less fatal yet similarly upsetting situations.

8. Toy Story sees the ideas of replacement and possibly one of the most terrifying thoughts to ever cross a young mind, being separated from your parents in a strange place. This stuck in my mind so firmly that I lived in fear of leaving my toys behind. They would have been so scared! And not only that, but the impact that this story has on people, will leave you with a sense of shame should you ever put your toys in the attic, or worse still, a yard sale. And quite rightly so. Shame on you.

9. Dumbo. Despite Bambi generally regarded as holding the title of saddest Disney moment, I've always found the scene in which Dumbo’s mother gently rocks him in her trunk, through the bars of her cage, the most heartbreaking Disney scene ever portrayed.

10. The Jungle Book’s Mowgli. As in Toy Story this again explores the theme of separation, however being extremely young when it happens, he retains no memory of his parents, and for this reason I find it a little less emotionally effective.  

11. The aristocats. Again, separated from their owner.

12. Despite the title, we only follow the story of Pongo and Perdita’s litter of 15 dalmatians being kidnapped. And the idea of skinning them to make a coat is actually more horrific now that I think about all these years later. I mean really, that’s just sickening, even if you do have the (I’ll admit, rather brilliant) name of Cruella De Vil.

13. Hercules. See number 10. But Hades was cool.  

14. Tarzan. See number 13. Minus Hades.

15. Monsters Inc.’s Boo. A close second to Toy Story in the separation stakes. And basing a kids film around the idea of monsters in the closet; relatable, suspenseful, genius.

16. Nemo. Okay, this may well be a contender for joint second with Monsters Inc. While the likes of Toy Story and Monsters Inc. see it from the missing person’s point of view, Finding Nemo is told almost more through the worried parent’s eyes. Very effective story telling.

17. The Incredibles sees their youngest son Jack-Jack kidnapped by their arch nemesis. However, this tiny super can set himself on fire. So it’s fairly safe to say Syndrome comes away worse for wear. Well, until he’s chewed up by an aeroplane engine a few seconds later.

18. Ratatouille’s Remy. Once again, separation. But he is soon rescued by a young waiter, so our lost rodent ends up about as happy as a rat in a restaurant.

19. UP, tells the story of the elderly Carl Fredricksen. The opening ten minute were said to have critics around the world bawling. While the nature of the events taking place in this opening sequence may possibly be lost on the younger members of the audience, there are also some scary dogs. A sometimes overlooked aspect of this story is the revelation that Mr Fredricksen’s boyhood hero isn’t the idol he imagined. Again, not exactly scary for the kiddies, but a rather universally felt theme.

20. Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Part of the three way contest for my favourite ever Disney film, along with The Lion King and Toy Story. Barrie’s timeless tale of childhood becomes more pertinent with every passing year. Again, not an obviously fearsome story, but one which I find myself dwelling on more and more, and which leaves me feeling increasingly melancholy as I grow older.

So, from brutal homicides to subtle sadness, there is no doubting that Walt Disney is the master of emotion.

It’s been emotional

Given that most of the developed world can now access gas simply by pressing a button or turning a dial, rather than getting out the trusty old flints, it isn’t really news that we have long since passed the point of merely surviving. We like to be entertained. No time is this more apparent than during the awards season. But I hadn’t really given it much thought until yesterday. Upon connecting to the internet I was greeted with my usual homepage; emails, weather, news headlines, and the list of the current top ten searches on Yahoo. News of President Obama’s forthcoming state visit to the UK: number ten. Coronation Street: number one.

So why is it that we are so much more interested in the on-screen world, than the real world? I’ll admit pondering such a question in cyber space is a tad ironic. But seeing as the highlight of my day was finding a pencil sharpener in my house that actually works, I have my excuse. Meanwhile, a recent viewing of Home Alone that reduced me to tears, may have answered my question. Music. Surely, were John Williams and an entire orchestra to follow me around, finding that pencil sharpener could have been something akin to finding Nemo. (Whoops, spoiler alert). It’s no wonder that the glorious Mr Williams is among the top three most nominated people in Oscar history. It is also no surprise that top of that list is Walt Disney himself. A man who, despite having a target audience with an average age of about seven, seems to relish in killing off parents and leaving poor defenceless youngsters to fend for themselves.

However, John Williams, apparently not content with merely making millions of movie goers sob like the afore mentioned seven year olds, decided to also score the music for several Olympic Games. While I’ll grant you that the Olympics are in fact real, they seem to be responsible for more edge-of-your-seat and heartstring-tugging moments than are necessarily good for your health. So emotional was Derek Redmond’s performance at the 1992 Barcelona Games that they later used it for a Visa advert featuring the voice of Morgan Freeman. Apparently, causing you viewers to suffer an emotional breakdown will prompt them into taking out a Visa card.

So, it would seem that the reason we are all so engrossed in the lives of fictional beings, is because we are all masochists. And the absence of a powerfully sweeping score from our mundane lives leaves us to seek out films and programmes carefully crafted to have us all popping Prozac. This will no doubt be confirmed at the approaching Academy Awards, where the last ten years have seen films about war, racism, poverty, and mental health, walk away with the Best Picture award. However, I can at least understand that no matter how depressing the subject matter, so long as there are some outstanding performances, a masterpiece of a script, and the essential music, these films are often more engaging and entertaining than the real world. But that still leaves me with just one unanswered question, why is Coronation Street the most searched topic on Yahoo?

We have water on tap

I love American food.

Regardless of the many wonders we have witnessed during each visit there, we will always have at least one travel anecdote regarding food. These include such tales as ‘The bottomless glass of Pepsi’ ‘The full rack of barbequed Everest’ ‘The tomato jar counter’ ‘The Canadian-hating burger’ ‘The generous gambling chicken’ ‘The fire alarm breakfast sandwich’ ‘The mountain top fries’ ‘The coma-inducing lemonade’ ‘The 42^nd Street pizza’ and ‘The desert pasta’, to name a few.

However, possibly my favourite beverage related story took place in a small deli in New York. My cousin was the last person at our table to order her drink, and when the waiter got round to her, she asked what they had. Big mistake. The waiter reeled off a list of drinks so long that it would have been quicker to go out, milk a cow, pick some strawberries, drive to Vermont and buy some freshly made Ben and Jerry’s, and make her a nice strawberry milkshake. She then proceeded to ask for water. He responded by asking which type of water she would prefer. Not a milkshake-worthy list, but still rather impressive. She asked for tap water. Yes, that’s right folks, tap water. Here we were, the land of the free refill, and she asks for tap water. I almost choked on my double colossal super-size cow sandwich. That very morning I had seen cheese in a spray can, but only now, as I stared at this sudden stranger sat opposite me, was I truly disgusted.