Contestant #2: Dave

Contestant number 2 in my ongoing game of Supermarket Snoop I decided to name Dave. He looked like a Dave. And by that I mean that he looked like pretty much the most average kind of guy you can imagine: white, 5'11"-ish, dark hair, medium build, and no multicoloured cloaks or anything. Now just to set the scene, I was in Costco, so already the chances are that the shopping basket (read massive trolley) is going to have a some fairly unusual items in it. Even if you don't buy the full size sail boat that was set up in the middle of the store, a 100 pack of toilet roll or half a cow's worth of steaks can look a bit odd.

Dave was at the next till over so I had a fairly good view of his purchases; a massive tub of washing powder (which we were also buying), a 100 pack of cloths, and two huge bottles of bleach. The only possible conclusion... Dave has murdered someone. I've watched enough CSI to spot evidence of a clean up, washing powder to clean the blood off his clothes (but not in our case), cloths to wipe up the huge blood pool, and bleach to clean the floor, walls etc. It all fit.

However, I wasn't worried. CSI has also taught me that the body will inevitably turn up in an unusual and dramatic reveal. The good looking corpse will then provide a singular hair that will lead us to Dave. Once in his house, a spray bottle and a fancy light will reveal the huge blood pool that he thought he had cleaned up with all that bleach (clearly Dave doesn't watch CSI), and a ghostly version of the good looking corpse will re-enact how he killed her.

So no worries.

Contestant #1: Joyce

Having been relatively housebound for the last couple of months, venturing into the outside world is now a lot more interesting than it previously was. For example, last week I went food shopping and couldn't help but notice what everyone else was buying. This soon turned into a competition with myself to find the most interesting selection of items being purchased (it was a long queue and there wasn't a whole lot else to do).

Contestant number one I decided to call Joyce. She looked like a Joyce. She appeared to be in her late 60s, neatly dressed, with pristinely coiffed hair. She began to unload her shopping onto the conveyor belt one space in front of me, and it all looked relatively normal. As you would expect of many elderly people, Joyce was purchasing bran flakes, prunes and wholemeal bread. She also had a punnet of strawberries and a carton of cream, nothing unusual during Wimbledon. Just when I thought this game had failed before it had even begun, out came the vodka.

Good on you, Joyce.